My Friend, Voldemort
by Reshima Skynight
Summary: Lord Voldemort isn't evil at all... Here's an inside scoop on the real Dark Lord. He's strange, enjoys playing with Harry Potter puppets, and loves writing DracoHarry slash. How did it come to this!
1. Taking Care of Voldemort

**My Friend, Voldemort**

Another Death-Eater meeting was to commence in about a minute and I was still trailing behind Lord Voldemort as he made his way through the hallway. He stopped in front of a door where the meeting was to be held and was about to turn the knob when I jumped in his way.

"Oh, no m'lord. Maybe I should announce you first," I suggested cheerfully. "That way, it makes you seem more important."

He did not answer so I took that as I yes. I opened the door, greeted by the menacing stares of the other older Death-Eaters. I cleared my throat and proclaimed with all my might...

"All rise and welcome the Dark Lord! The guy with mean spells along with a mean wand! Er, how long is your wand, sir? Thirteen-and-a-half inches? Well, well, well, that's quite the information. Anyway, announcing the entrance of the most feared... thing on the planet. LORD VOLDEMORT."

The Dark Lord swept gracefully into the room, his robes fluttering as he walked. From the back, he looked like a sexy woman.

I took my seat before he did as he engaged in small conversation with two Death-Eaters. I felt something itch in my nose. Probably a bogey. I discreetly stuck my finger in my nose and felt around. Surprisingly I managed to wriggle it out. I looked at the disgusting goo on my finger and flicked it away in some random direction.

I almost yelped as I saw my booger had accidentally land on Lord Voldemort's chair.

"Shall we begin?" Lord Voldemort proceeded to his chair.

_Oh no... Don't sit..._I thought.

But he had lowered himself down on the chair.

_Touchdown!_

"Any questions, concerns, comments?" he asked, looking around the room. A few Death-Eaters raised their hands politely while I waved my arm around with vigor.

"Yes," he looked to me.

"It's a comment," I told him.

"Yes. Proceed."

"Our uniforms are tacky," I said bluntly. "This robe is too big for me. I look like an overweight scarecrow."

"And what do you propose we do?"

"Tighten it a little. Give it more color. I'm thinking pink or something," I stroked my chin thoughtfully. "I imagine Lucius Malfoy in a belly-baring sleeveless shirt. It will emphasize his sexy pale skin. His stage name can be Luscious Lucius."

Lucius Malfoy looked at me with wide horrid eyes.

"Oh, don't worry Mr. Malfoy," I said waving my hand, "I've thought of a name for your son as well. I was given the inspiration when he was doing this sexy little dance in front of his mirror in the Slytherin dormitories. Deadly Dancing Draco. Catchy, isn't it?

"You have been spying on my son?" Lucius narrowed his eyes at me. "How dare you!"

"Oh no!" I said defensively. "I just happened to come across an enchanted mirror which I accidentally took to my room and accidentally told it to spy on Draco. It was all a mere accident, I assure you."

"No need to get excited, Malfoy," Lord Voldemort said. "As she said, it was all an accident."

"And you, m'lord, can be Vivacious Vibrating Voldemort."

Lucius stood up abruptly and slammed his fist against the wooden table, "Tell me what this meeting as to do with these... _stripper _names!"

There was quite a dramatic silence.

"Absolutely nothing."

I didn't really pay attention to the rest of the meeting. It was always about the same thing: Kill the Potter kid. Big whoopidy-doo-friggin-deal. He gets away with everything anyway.

"This plan will work," I heard Lord Voldemort speak up. And I really did not know what kind of plan it was. "We will be invincible."

"Yes!" I chimed in, even though I had no idea what I was saying. "It will be easy. Just like taking candy from a baby." This was when I shot a look towards Lord Voldemort, "But _one _of us had quite a hard time with a certain baby quite a while back..."

"This meeting is over," he announced and stood up.

I stayed seated in my chair and watched them all leave. But for some reason my eyes shifted down towards Lord Voldemort's rear end.

My booger was on Lord Voldemort's butt.

* * *

"My lord, are you contented with your nickname?"

"And what nickname would that be?"

Lord Voldemort and I were seated at a small table as we sipped tea from tiny porcelain cups.

"That nickname. There's a lot actually... 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Who, That-Really-Evil-Dude, That-Guy-With-The-Pasty-Face—"

"Get to the point."

"Well..." I hesitated. "Those nicknames are kinda dumb. Shouldn't we think of something else that's, you know, cooler?"

"Go on."

"How about 'V-Diddy-Snoop-Dog'? Or 'Viagra-Voldie'? I think that one is kind of a turn on. You'll be a frequent favorite in _Witch Weekly_."

Lord Voldemort had a sort of far-away look in his eyes, "Yes... I might even be able to receive the Best Smile Award."

"Please don't have high hopes."

"I believe my smile is like that of... a flower."

"An ugly flower, my lord."

I returned his glare with a smile.

"And that Potter boy deserves a nickname too. 'He-Who-You-Could-Not-Kill—"

Lord Voldemort cleared his throat rather loudly and afterwards lifted his cup daintily to his lips and took a tiny sip. We spoke more after that, mainly about Lucius Malfoy's sexy body that helped bring his sexy son into the world. It was, in fact, Lord Voldemort who started that conversation. I felt a little disturbed so I steered our conversation towards that red-haired man that worked for the Ministry.

"Arthur Weasley, that's his name?" I asked.

Yes, that sexy man," the Dark Lord answered. "His sons are quite the fine dish as well. Especially those twins."

"Oh, yes!" I squealed. "I did not know you had a fancy for twins."

"Call it a fetish."

I looked at my watch and sighed, "My lord, it's passed your bedtime."

He groaned and seemed disappointed. "Six-thirty already?"

* * *

I walked towards Lord Voldemort's bedroom to see if he had fallen asleep already. I opened the door and saw him curled up in his bed sleeping soundly. I heaved a sigh and shook my head. It seems as if he was playing make believe before going to bed.

I slowly took off the large black-framed glasses from his eyes and gently peeled off the lightning bolt sticker from his forehead. I tried to pry away the fake magic wand from his hand but he kept muttering in a strange high-pitched English accent, "No, no, you can never defeat me! I am the great Harry Potter..." his voice trailed off into a soft snore. Although I managed to pry away a female doll with thick bushy hair and large teeth and male doll with fiery red hair and freckles away from his strong grip. And he _was_ gripping them in the wrong places.

When I went to go close the drapes I tripped over something. I looked down and saw a videotape. Curious, I picked it up and saw that it had been titled: _The Secret Escapades_._ A fictional (hopefully not fictional) story about Harry Potter and his friends (maybe more than friends) and their journey through the wonderful land of puberty. In this episode they will be crossing the vast terrain known as: The Human Body._

How he managed to fit that whole title into the tiny strip of tape pasted on the video, I did not know. But now I was more than curious. I was intrigued.

Taking the tape and quietly hurrying to my room, I popped the video into the VCR...

What a sight.


	2. The Sexy Video

The screen blurred a bit, but now the picture became clear.

I almost yelped when I saw Lord Voldemort clad in Gryffindor robes, wearing large black-rimmed eyeglasses, with a thunderbolt sticker attached to his forehead.

"Hello!" he said in a forcefully high and cheery British accent. "I am Harry Potter! I am wonderful and sexy!" Then he pulled out two hand puppets of that freckled cutie, Ron Weasley and that bushy-haired Hermione Granger. "These are my friends! Today we will have a magnificent adventure! Come join us, you sexy audience, you!"

Yay! My lord called me sexy!

"I am Harry Potter!" he repeated. "And I have a lovely and mature body! Do you want to see my body, Ron?"

Lord Voldemort spoke for Puppet-Ron, "Oh yes, Harry! I would love to experience this... lovely experience!"

All of a sudden, John Mayer's song, "Your Body's a Wonderland" begins to play softly in the background.

"Dear, Harry! Give me the experience as well!" said Puppet-Hermione as she sexily swished her hair over her shoulder. Which... may I say, wasn't that sexy at all.

"Come my friends!" said Lord Voldemort/Harry. "And you shall experience the wonderful world of _me_."

The puppets began to slowly undress Lord Voldemort while he looked at the camera and winked ever so often.

My eyes hurt as they were glued to the screen. The puppets were doing obscene things to Lord Voldemort and he was "trying" to tell them to stop, "Ohh, stoooppp! I'm so sensitive!" And he would giggle. And it is quite scary to see the Dark Lord giggling like a schoolgirl.

Puppet-Ron laughed like a maniac, "I shall take advantage of you, Harry! Here I come!" the puppet lunged forward, "Rawwr!" While Puppet-Ron was "taking advantage", Puppet-Hermione was busy nibbling on Lord Voldemort's/Harry's nose.

The events that occurred right after scarred me for life. I am doing YOU a favor by not describing them in detail. Let's just say it involved some fuzzy handcuffs and super-glue.

I would like to say that this would have been a very pretty sight if it was in fact the _real _Harry. Or... if it was Lord Voldemort in his younger years. May I say that he was quite the fine baby.

I was not turned on in the slightest way. Not turned on at all.

I have to go and take a cold shower.


	3. Poopsie

After watching the video a few more times- 538 times, I dropped it off back at Lord Voldemort's room. I was surprised to see him sitting up in his bed rubbing his eyes and yawning.

"Is it time for my wakey-wakey?" he asked sleepily.

I looked at the clock and it read eight-thirty A.M. I had been up all night watching that puppet porn. "Why, yes. I believe it's time for you to wake up, my lord," I said cheerily. "And what would you like for breakfast?"

He began to think as he sat in his bed with his Golden Snitch decorated pajamas. "I want... pancakes. And can you put little chocolate chips in them? Can you make the chocolate chips spell out 'Good Morning Tommy'?"

"Of course, my lord," I said but then I spotted Puppet-Ron dangling near Lord Voldemort's bed. I suddenly felt a bit "excited". I walked towards the puppet and touched it with my finger, "My lord, if it's all right, may I borrow this... wonderful doll of yours?"

He nodded, still yawning.

I grabbed Puppet-Ron and ran away to my room.

Breakfast can wait.

* * *

_3 hours later..._

My escapades with that darling Ron puppet was fulfilling as I had included my own puppets of his brothers, the Twins.

But enough about me!

Lord Voldemort and I had an engaging conversation during breakfast. I grabbed his yearbook from the bookshelf and flipped through it.

"Wow," I said wide-eyed. "You were quite the handsome one, my lord. What happened?"

He gave me the "what's suppose to mean" look.

"Tom Marvolo Riddle," I said, reading the name underneath his picture.

"Yes," he said with a faraway look in his eyes. "My name was indeed sexy."

"_Marvolo_," I said in a nasally disgusted voice. "What the hell is that? Is sounds like a cheap brand of cigarettes."

"How dare you admonish me, vermin!" he looked enraged. "You do not speak so freely to me!"

"Now, now," I said, nonchalantly looking at the yearbook. "Don't shout with your mouth full."

"That's it," he whipped out his wand. All thirteen-and-a-half inches of it. "_Avada Kedavra_!"

He aimed at me but I was quick and whipped his pet snake from underneath the table and shielded myself with it.

"NO!" Lord Voldemort shrieked. "NOT POOPSIE!" he leapt from his seat and cradled the snake in his arms. "Poopsie! It's all right! Daddy's right here! Don't die now, Poopsie!" tears were streaming down his cheeks as he held the snake close to his chest. He raised his face up towards the ceiling and screamed dramatically, "NOOOOO!"

He stroked the snake (hehe, pervert) which was burned to a crisp. It smelled quite delicious and it made my mouth water.

"See what you did," I said clicking my tongue in a motherly sort of way. "Silly you decided to be all reckless and now you've killed your snake," I pried Poopsie from Lord Voldemort's trembling arms, "I'll take care of this. Now go to your room."

His lower lip was quivering but he reluctantly stood up and stomped all the way up to his room.

* * *

I called him down to dinner.

"Where's Poopsie?" was the first thing he asked.

I pulled out our dinner from inside the oven and looked down at it, "Well, uh, I gave Poopsie a very good funeral. I'm sure he has completed his goal in life..." then I muttered, "Or at least he's _gonna _complete it..."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"What's for dinner?" he asked looking at the plate.

"Chicken."

"Really?" he sniffed at it. "It looks kind of longish. Like a snake."

"Well," I began. "I decided to carve our chicken and make it look like Poopsie. Sort of like a monument, you know? This can be his funeral dinner," then I added in a hush tone, "Literally."

"What?"

"Nothing."

Without further ado, we heartily ate our dinner of ... Poopsie.


	4. The Sexy Book

* * *

After dinner, Lord Voldemort settled down at his tiny wooden desk, took out a quill, and began writing on a parchment. He scribbled on it rather frantically so I was curious to see what he was writing with such vigor.

"And may I ask what you are writing, my lord?" I said, looking over his shoulder.

He held up a stack of papers proudly, "It's a story that I have written!"

I picked up a page and read an excerpt:

_I, Harry Potter, am now at the brink of manhood. But I am still young and I am eager to feed my growing sexuality. But what will appease this young supple body of mine? As if an answer to my prayer, I spotted Draco Malfoy across the room. His blonde strands fell attractively over his eyes and his muscles seemed to twitch with anticipation as his gaze fell on me..._

"My lord! This is rather... risqué, don't you think?" I could feel my cheeks turning red.

"Ah, but I am merely speaking from the depths of Potter's heart," Lord Voldemort smiled and tried to achieve an expression of wisdom. He failed horribly because some drool was dripping down the corner of his mouth.

I looked at the first page. Lord Voldemort's story had been titled, _Harry Potter and the Order of the Penis_.

"Ah... my lord?" I smiled sweetly. "How would you like me to proof read and edit what you have written already? I'm sure you wouldn't want mistakes in your lovely, lovely story."

"Well. Okay. That seems like a good idea to me."

Without further hesitation, I swept up all the parchment and dashed to my room.

* * *

Ah, yes. Now where was I?

Oh. Now I remember:

_His blonde strands fell attractively over his eyes and his muscles seemed to twitch with anticipation as his gaze fell on me. I breathed deeply as made his way toward me._

_"Malfoy," I tried to make my voice as deep as possible. I tried to make it sound... sexy. I believe I succeeded because he swept me in his arms and kissed me passionately._

_"Call me... Draco," he said seductively._

_"Draco," I breathed as my nostrils flared violently. "You can call me... Hot Pants Harry."_

_"Oh my!" Draco giggled and fluttered his eyelashes. "Harry! I want you to make me feel good!"_

_"I will! I will!"_

_"DOMINATE ME, HARRY! DOMINATE ME!"_

I read on further and decided that no corrections were to be made. This story was perfect in every way, shape, and form. It was so perfect that I was tempted to make an altar and worship its erotic pages. It was so perfect that I wanted to keep it, cuddle with it, and pet it. I wanted to feed it and walk it and name it Benny. I'll give it baths and groom it properly. Yes... this story was the father of all stories.

I snapped out of my daydream when I heard a horrible screeching noise. It sounded like a dying cat. I quickly ran outside, afraid that maybe Lord Voldemort had accidentally eaten and thrown up the pet cat. I told him to stop doing that!

"Boom, boom, boom, boom! I want you in my room!" the screeching noise I heard was just Lord Voldemort singing. "And spend the night together—"

"My lord," I interrupted him hastily. "What is that horrid noise coming out of your throat? Did you swallow the house elf again?"

"No," he said. "I realized that if I sing sexual songs, I write my romance novels a bit more sexily." He continued singing, "Oops, I did it again..."

I danced as he sang.

"You and me baby we ain't nothin' but mammals so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel..."

More dancing.

"Gotta catch 'em all! Gotta catch 'em aaa-AALL...!"

I stopped dancing, "But that song isn't sexy at all."

"Yes, but..." his cheeks flushed red. "Whenever I hear that song I imagine Pikachu running with the wind blowing through his fur... it kind of gets me aroused."

Now I know where I got my perverted ways from. Or is it vice versa?

It doesn't matter. Life is wonderful.


End file.
